I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
