I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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