nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
