he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
