So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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