Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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