I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
