Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
