I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
