I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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