hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
