i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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