Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
