If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
