Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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