She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
