Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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