My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
