i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
