He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
