Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
