1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
