he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
