i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
