He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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