3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
