my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
