is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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