Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
