theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
