It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
