So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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