no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
