you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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