i think i scared a bird with my dick
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
