Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
