I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
