if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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