We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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