I want to stick my p in your. b.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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