i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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