I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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