Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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