I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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