Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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