My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I deserve this hangover.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
