The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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