when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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