3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
