i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
