You're my little dorito
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
