the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize