I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
