why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
this just has baby written all over it
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
