I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
