3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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