woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
