Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
