I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
