Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
