I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
