He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
