Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
